Losing Myself in Our Widening World
by asphalt-pirate
Summary: Hikaru contemplates the reprocussions of his and Kaoru's expanding world. Not all the results are possitive.


I do not own Ouran Koukou Hosuto-bu, the Hitachiin twins, any of that stuff, yada yada yada. This is just some psycho-drabble that I am sharing and is not to be reproduced or distributed for profit or otherwise, all that junk. Enjoy. I didn't.

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This was starting to be not funny any more… Hitachiin Hikaru and his brother had never continued to entertain any idea that did not hold their fascination any longer, just dropped activities, things, even people like broken toys when they were done playing with them.

It was a little more difficult to do that when Kaoru was so deeply involved…

Usually, Hikaru knew exactly what Kaoru was thinking, with out having to ask. They never had to consult one another on when to turn off a boring movie, or when to stop talking to a tiresome person. One of them simply flicked the switch, or they both turned at the same time to walk away.

Lately though, Hikaru had noticed a change. He seemed to find himself turning a step a head of his brother. Now and then, Kaoru hesitated…

So far, neither of them had said anything. So far, they had both seemed not to notice, at least not so that the other could see, but it was starting to unsettle Hikaru. Truth be told, it was confusing him deeply.

The problem was, he could not figure out which of them was doing it. Was he charging ahead? Or had Kaoru started lagging behind? Was he pulling away from his twin? Or was his brother just letting him go…?

In the darkness of their room, Hikaru stared across the gap between their large, plush beds, watching Kaoru sleep as his own mind milled and raced with these things.

Looking in from the outside, people would probably assume that this all started when Haruhi showed up. After all, she was the first person in all their lives who could tell them apart, who noticed and remembered the little differences in their characteristics that separated Hikaru from Kaoru, and she had an intuitive sense for those differences that worked almost from first glance. People might think that because she saw those differences, and tactlessly brought them up, that Hikaru and Kaoru had been forced to look at those differences themselves, and acknowledge them.

People would be wrong.

It began with the Host Club. At first they had both thought it would be funny, playing the homo side characters to Tamaki's flagrant play-boy. On top of the popularity of such a beautiful taboo as twin incest, girls had stopped trying to separate them. Now that most of the school thought the Hitachiin brothers were _romantically_ involved with one another, all they wanted was to be allowed to watch. There were no more letters left in Kaoru or Hikaru's desks, asking for a date. Anyone with an interest in the Hitachiin brothers just came to the music room and designated them. It saved the girls a cruel heartbreak, and it saved the twins a great deal of aggravation. They still played the "Dochi ga Hikaru Deshou ka? Game" to nail the point home now and then, but they had been much less frustrated with the inevitable results.

Except that Hikaru had started to wonder… What did Kaoru really think of their _new_ game?

They had never behaved sexually with one another before. They had never really behaved sexually. They knew what sex was, knew about heterosexuality and homosexuality and all other sorts of obscure things from reading, and watching movies, and television. They were not stupid or uneducated. They simply were not interested. They had funneled their energies into other activities, and the closest they came to that sort of thing was _maybe_ holding one another when they cried, or snuggling into the same bed when they were upset or scared.

But it was not until the Host Club that Hikaru had pulled Kaoru into his arms, grazed the pad of his thumb against his brother's cheek, looked into his half lidded eyes and threatened to kiss him. Kaoru would react predictably, letting his gaze slide away shyly, turning his head to bring a hand up to his mouth, blushing as though being seen like this was actually embarrassing. The girls would squeal and sometimes one would swoon and faint, but Hikaru would never actually kiss him.

During their time in the Ouran Host Club Hitachiin Hikaru had probably stroked and fondled almost every inch of Kaoru's skin for the sake of their little charade, but for no reason, either publicly or privately, had Hikaru ever kissed him.

And he had no idea whether or not Kaoru actually _wanted_ him to…

In the darkness, Hikaru glared at his brother, bitterly. It had been the first point of separation that had ever _mattered_, and it was probably the reason Haruhi's intuition worked so goddamned perfectly. This was something exceptionally important, and Hikaru did not know his brother's mind on it. He could not just come out and ask, either. Hikaru had never had to come out and _ask_ his brother's mind on _anything_! So he had started to become more sensitive, more irritable. Louder about things, because he was scared.

Terrified, actually. What if he pushed this game too far? What if some day he _did_ kiss Kaoru, and his brother was genuinely disgusted? What if he never did anything, and just left his brother suffering like he was? Alone in the dark…

It was not that Hikaru thought of himself particularly as gay. None of the other boys in the Host Club aroused any sort of sexual or romantic interest from him. None of the girls in the school really did though, either. His world had always just revolved around Kaoru, and now something had appeared that had seriously managed to throw off his orbit. To make matters worse, Haruhi had picked that time to show up, and had wedge herself in, throwing their universe open wider…

It was interesting, but it was terrifying, because he and Kaoru seemed to be reacting to it in markedly different ways...

But was Hikaru the one careening forward, out of control and leaving his brother behind? Or was Kaoru the one stepping back, letting things fall apart and leaving Hikaru to lose his way?

Hikaru's glare slowly melted as he considered all of these things. He tried to fight back the tears threatening behind his eyes, and even as the saline moisture finally escaped, he held his breath so that they slid out silently to stain his pillow unheard.

He wanted to be able to share everything with Kaoru, the way it once was. Even this new sensuality that had crept in, unexpected, from the realm of artifice to reality in his mind. He wanted Kaoru to be there, right in step with him next to Haruhi, the three of them, paling around, and if any of them dropped behind, or ran ahead, then it should be her, and they could wait for her, or try to catch up.

But what if Kaoru did not think that way? What if he was tired of all this, and Hikaru just could not tell? What if he was disappointed? What if he did not care? What if he was letting Hikaru go on with Haruhi because Kaoru had some one else in mind? What if he had actually _liked_ one of those girls who had left a letter in his desk before? It was true that Kaoru was the more passive of them. What if he had just let Hikaru run his life before? What if they had never really been twins of nearly one mind, except because that is what Hikaru expected, and Kaoru had just given in?

The uncertainty was starting to become unbearable. Hikaru wished to himself privately that they had never joined the Host Club to begin with! What had he really found so impressive about that stupid Suou, anyway?

In the darkness, Hikaru cringed and shivered. The shaking would not go away, and finally he bolted from the bed, rushed into their lavish bathroom, and vomited his expensive dinner into the toilet, violently. Knuckles white on the rim of the basin, he began to hyperventilate between his stomach's rolling heaves, anxiety gripping his insides like a clawed fist that would not let go.

"Hikaru!" Cool, slim fingers against the sweaty nape of his neck shocked Hikaru slightly. Kaoru was there, kneeling beside him and Hikaru had never even heard his foot steps. Eyes closed tightly, Hikaru could not even slow his breaths to speak, but more than that prevented him, too. He could only stay just where he was as bile rose in the back of his throat again, a second course of pistachio ice cream, white veal, and digestive acid wrecking havoc on his refined palate.

Kaoru, ever the angel, improvised a cold compress from one of the plush hand towels, soaking it in cool water, wiping it gently over Hikaru's forehead and the back of his neck. The tenderness in his brother's touch only brought up the bitterness in Hikaru again, tears welling along with the now mostly dry heaves. Though it was unbearably miserable, Hikaru could not hold back the sobs, and on top of it all, feared he would pass out from this erratic new form of hyperventilation.

He did not pass out, but neither did he voice the pain that was near literally eating him from the inside out, even when under Kaoru's gentle ministrations his rebellious body had finally calmed.

Bewildered and slightly frightened, Kaoru wiped the tears and viscous saliva from his brother's mirror-image face, red and marred by some unknown suffering. But Hikaru was unwilling to divulge the reason for his sudden illness, and Kaoru could only do so much to comfort his strangely uncooperative twin.

Eventually, Kaoru coaxed Hikaru into bed with him, wrapping his arms around his still trembling brother. He whispered soft and vague reassurances as he nuzzled the crown of Hikaru's head, which was buried against his chest, like a child to the breast of its mother. Hikaru and Kaoru had never felt closer to their mother than they had to each other though, and from a young age had preferred one another's comfort over hers when they'd cried.

At last, Hikaru seemed to exhaust himself utterly, slipping into a fitful sleep that he went to unwillingly. Now it was Kaoru's turn to lie awake and contemplate. As his fingers sifted through his twin's rusty hair, massaging his brother's scalp gently, Kaoru wondered what troubled thoughts raged beneath his fragile skull, and felt the carnal separation sharply.


End file.
